getting angrier & angrier each day.
i have no idea why.
i suppose its your fault.& now it turns out to be mine?
no linkage.no link.
your life is complicated & now you're cold towards everything?
all you ever do is smoke.how i wish you would just throw them away.
i have no mood to talk to you otherwise,so just shut up.

22nd july-waihian said that there will be another eclipse.
the more i want to die.muhahaha.
ok,im crazy.
whatever.
no mood to update.goodbyes.

After 14years of living in this world,
i realised i had a disorder.


1)Boderline Personality Disorder
-This personality disorder is identified by tremendous instability, especially in relationships and in mood. There is an intense fear of abandonment, and the individual makes constant efforts to avoid abandonment. However, the intense mood swings, especially the expression of anger, actually encourage abandonment because it is difficult for others to tolerate a relationship with an individual with a borderline personality disorder. One minute you are the most wonderful person on earth, the next minute you are compared to Attilla the Hun. These individuals often make many suicide gestures, and frequently engage in self-multilation. They are extremely impulsive, and engage in many self-defeating behaviors.

Approximately 2 percent of the population may have borderline personality disorder The essential feature is a history of long term unstable relationships and intense mood swings, especially anger. The relationship problems make it difficult to treat individuals with this problem, and treatment is usually long term, perhaps lifelong


~ends~

25th january
went to meet up with weining to so called "study" together at mac.
but went to eat at koufu first.
passed by the perfomance in westmall & didnt find anything interesting about it,
yet there were many people watching i,crowding the pathway.
went to macdonalds to finish up all the homework that i had brought.
but i spent 3hours doing the exposition!!(inculdes slacking,chatting,drinking,wasting time)
then weining keep bullying me,teaching me sec2,chp.7 reflection & refraction of light.(since i was sleeping during this chp.)
keep testing me.i had to force my brain juice to come out!!

then went to the arcade to have "some fun".
but it ended up to be a terrible mistake.
i lost to weining in all the games we played.
& there was a game which discriminates PANDAs.damn it.
left westmall at around 7.30pm to meet up with my family for some stupid reasons.
really had fun out today.



26th january
i was told to do announcing today & it was the best announcing i had done?
wow.
but next week im doing cantoring.T.T
& cecilia will play for me!!yay!
ok,random-ness.
went to get some market stuff from tekka.(of all places,that place)
was angry with my grandfather.he sure does have hearing problem.
went home & slept until evening.
using the computer,busy with chatting,linking ppl,etc.


I want to go to the BUILD-A-BEAR wokshop!!!
i want to build a bear!!
totally random-ness.


note:
-Catechism class starts this saturday.
-all sec3 students MUST attend.
-this year will be the last year all sec3 students will be together as a class.
-attendance is COMPULSORY,if not you would not be comfirmed.
-Con3B students[saturday,2pm,joachim's class],there will be a uncomfirmed BBQ at amanda yip's house.
-Con3B's class tee have not be done yet due to some people who have not paid yet.

will inform you guys for further updates.

~ends~

22/1
had band rehearsal.
then went to westmall to get something.
was insulting hazel(nut) & pig.
then parted wnt to macdonalds to meet up with lijing & liyun.
did some work & then shared about kindergarden & primary school pasts.
ranges from me chocking the kindergarden toilets to biting peoples' hand for irritating me to plucking the school's tree leaf & blaming other to skipping class cause the teacher had a big tummy.
had a great laugh over our sharing session but liyun didnt have anything to share with us.=(

23/1
yesterday was so fun,going out with alicia pig.
went home immediately after school & saw wilson taking the same bus as me.
chatted on the bus & he alighted at his stop.
carried on the journey to home.
bathed & waited for pig to be awake.left house at 3 to meet pig at bukit batok.
slept in the bus & was being awaken by a kind soul.
met pig & took train to woodlands,causeway point.

went to pierce & pig chickened out.
yes,finally my 5/6th piercing?cool.
walked aroud cuaseway after lunch cum dinner.
then i went to get an ice pop.
so let pig try then went to find a place.but pig kept laughing because it dripped.
but i laughed so loud after she stopped laughing cause got an auntie whose mobile phone dropped.
it was quite embarrassing because there were people looking at us.
sad down,continued eating the ice pop.
then i was saying,"i can eat alot" when the remaining ice pop dropped to the ground.
we laughed like mad poeple.

took train back to bukit batok.
went to The Coffee Bean to get my Belgian Chocolate.
went to sit at the 106 stand & waited for 30mins?
while waiting,
pig drank but i was telling her something that made her spit out the drink.
it was totally gross,but luckily not everything came out.
took bus & pig got off.continued on with my journey home.
reached home to realised that no one was at home.
bathe & went online immediately.chatted with people & watched animation.
decided that i will do finish my Emath & English hw on saturday(today).




im afraid that i will get influenced by the bad people.
im afraid i will do the wrong things.
crap.why am i like that?i really wonder why.
why cant i be happy like others?
why cant i lead a peaceful life like others?
why cant i have parents who are loving & caring?
why cant i forget the past?
why cant i be someone new,someone different from my past?
why cant i have friends who are always there?
why?
everytime i see kids celebrating mother's/father's day,i break down immediately.rushing to my room,i start crying.
everytime see people celebrating their birthdays,i feel happy for them but i dislike celebrating my birthday.
why cant i just be a normal teenager who have wisdom to think & decide?
i wish i was dead.

~ends~

had fun & laughter with alicia piggy today.


im going paranoid as each day passes.
i dont know what's happening to me.
i feel so pathetic,so insane.
i feel so sorry for everything.

pig,im sorry.
that feeling was just too hard to be borne.
it was depressing.
i had no other choice,i was being irritated.
it was the only thing in my mind.
pls dont tell it to anyone else.

i wish it was a full stop at this point.
i cannot take the pain anymore.
how i wish i could fly to heaven or drop to hell now.
how i wish it was all over.

see me happy,see me smile.
but the actual feeling is all kept in a small box that can never be erased forever.
that box can never be opened by anyone else except me.
my feelings is a string that once it has been stepped on,
its a gone case for sure.

just.just dont bite my tail.
or i will seriously injure myself.
not you,but me.
i dont want to see people getting injured anymore.

i have said what i needed to say.

~ends~

ok..what can i say?nono.what should i say?
i find putting my blog on private LAME.
totally,it sucks.
big deal.

went out with weijie,weizhe,waihian,liyun to see The Haunting.
sadly,
waihian wasted $9.50 to go in & use the jacket to cover her face.
aww...what a waste..
after the show,we went our own ways.
weijie & weizhe went to meet up for maris gathering while the 3 of us went to get food.
i so have a HUGE appetite,but now currently trying to get on a diet.

i seriously am confused now.
between good & bad.i do not know what to do.
with my school workload piling up,i seldom have time for my friends & God.
i realised that i have negelected god for quite awhile.
im sorry.

stress level is getting higher & higher.
like some kind of helium balloon.fly until it could not stop.
nowadays,im being emotional,timid,gentle,afaid at the slightest reason?
hmmm....its the new me i suppose.
i'll accept myself then.

~ends~

weird me.
im starting to accept my new self.
a litle more quieter,gentle?
well,what can i say,just adapt to these changes.
im not vulgar anymore.
cool.

im just stressed out.
im stressed because i stress people.
makes no sense.
im stupid,yea,i admit.
crap,its all crap.
damn it.dont look at it.

ok,i OFFICIALLY pronounce myself a new person.
no vulgarities,will try to speak proper english most of the time,cheerful,kind & helpful.


today,attended school as usual.
have band after school.
boring as usual.
went to westmall to have my 5th piercing.
waihian thought i was nuts.
nope,im not nuts.im perfectly fine.

had our dinner at subway,& saw the alumnis'.
waihian taught me math.
bought teenage-febuary issue.
read & missed about 3 buses,busy with insulting each other.
lol.

so far,i have 5 best friends.
in longest relationship rank:
1)Jessa
2)Liza
3)Serika
4)Waihian
5)Alicia

but in general(overall):
1)Waihian/Alicia
2)Liza
3)Serika
4)Jessa

ok,i have nothing else to update about.
sorry!

~ends~

i totally give up on myself now.
yes,i know its sad but i cant handle everything now.
im not s smart like liyun,jilin,jingping,kenneth,chuan bin.
i cant help but to sleep during science lessons.
chinese lessons are a nightmare.
english so far,is my strongest subject now.
history & social studies are still ok.

everyday when there's mathematics homework,
i ended up crying instead of completing it.
i can hardly do a single question.
unlike POA,when its so easy.
yes,whatever,i admit i am a loser,a blah blah blah.
so what?
i cant help it.its me.
yes,so what if im a councillor?
you think i will NOT break schol rules?
i dont even give a damn.
now i hate myself,for saying all this crap.

i hate myself for troubling ppl who needs to study more than me.
sorry waihian for troubling you most of the time.
i cant help it,either i totally give up or not.
yes,i still have the determination to do well,but at this rate,its impossible.
i dont have the "brains".
if i totally give up,i'll retain 100% sure.
should i or should i not?
everything i do,i must cry.
what the hell.
do a maths until i ended up crying.
im sch a cry baby,a complete loser.

~ends~

collected award.
then met up with liyun.
went to get some stuff.then headed home.

plans up ahead:
-sunday jog
-Meet Liza best for tutoring
-get Dearguy's ear ring
-watch Ponyo~ with Waihian,Liyun,Dearguy & friends
-ing's birthday

quite bored lah.
-changed to this blog skin because the bear represents Dearguy.Dearguy=BigBear

~ends~

BLOG NOT READY YET.DONT MIND FOR THE MESSY EDITS.

i really dont have the mood to update.
lost my mood before the first perfomance at school.
ALL BECAUSE OF THAT TUPID RAMESH!
didnt eat MY DINNER at school because of ramesh.
was really damn fed up with him.

hmph!
scold mr ong.
tupid ramesh,think what?
you HOD than show off lah!
no brain de,got brain also like **** brain de!
so idiot.
then what,think you so smart meh?
like **** lah!!
make ppl do things for you,think what?we your dog ar?
all because of your tupid idea,tupid plan,we sounded bad!!
TUPID MORRON.



really feel like just giving up on myself.
get retained for one more year in sec3 NA,2010.
might have more time to concentrate in studies for one more year.
or might change the subject that i want to take.
but....
just afraid i might drop or fail..
target wll be gone then...

really just feel like giving in to smoking,cutting,emo-ing.
i dunnoe?
stressed up.
seeing ppl getting stressed up,i'd become worser.
dying in physics,rocking in chemistry.
still ok in english.

was quite vulgar these few days.
really not in the mood these few days.
sorry liyun,you should have known how i felt.

~ends~

Labels: moodless

waihian,its a message for you.
please read it.

quand j'ai eu besoin d'aide, vous avez aidé.
quand j'ai eu besoin de quelqu'un pour écouter et de soin moi, vous étiez là.
quand j'ai eu tellement des problèmes, vous étiez là pour les résoudre.
mais maintenant…
quand vous êtes soumis à une contrainte vers le haut, vous n'avez pas demandé mon aide.
quand vous avez eu des problèmes, vous ne m'avez pas dit.
quand vous avez besoin d'une certaine substance, vous n'avez pas demandé.
pourquoi ?
pourquoi êtes-vous aimez-vous cela ?

当我需要帮助,您帮助了.
当我需要某人细听&关心我,您在那里.
当我非常有问题,您在那里解决他们.
但现在...
当您被注重时,您没有请求我的帮忙.
当您有问题,您没有告诉我.
当您需要一些材料时,您没有要求.
为什么?
你为设么要这样?




i tell you.
i really did not have the mood to do anything today.
knowing the teachers,seeing hated people's face.
seeing people who doesnt have any mood.
i broke down at home.

i know i am useless,just a piece of unwanted shit to everyone.
treat me like a pile of dung,throw my bag in class for all i care.
spread rumours about me for all i care.
i hate myself.
i hate this school,i hate this planet.
why wouldnt anyone at least her out to pathetic human?
why?!
i just feel like dying this instance.
sadly,i dont have any penknife with me or what so ever.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

aww..bye 2008~
say helloooooo to 2009!!

ok,let me just recall my stupidity on the 30th dec 2008.
we,as in,me,vengyan,rachel,dominic,abigail & eugene went to mac after meeting.
then after eugene left,we started sharing the ghostly tales in our primary schools.
well,mostly were from De La Salle primary.
then my stupidity really made me embarassed.
i said Demi Leveto is a guy.WTH!!
ok,everyone started laughing.
super embarrassed.
forget it,it still makes me embarrassed..


yesterday,the last day of the year,
was like....so normal for me though.
went to the esplanade to celebrate,but someone was late.=D
so 4 of us,me,alicia piggy,saliyanti & her stead waited outside the esplanade.
but saliyanti was spending time with her stead,so me & alicia started entertaining ourself.

we listened to Muttons To Midnight.
then PIG kept on laughing like,louder than me!!
then got people pass by,think we are crazy.
lol.

then at around 7 plus in the evening,
we went to meet Dearguy & friend.
so we walked to the place,then passed by them but actually i was looking at them then they laugh.
then i thought it wasnt them so just kept on walking.
then saliyanti went up & asked them.
so it was them...so.....nvm.
so we just walked randomly to other places,then after that found a place to sit.
so we sat down,then saliyanti bf say play truth or dare.
then is like...nvm,i also dont want to say it here.

then Dearguy & friend had to go,so they went but he forgot about his lighter.
then msg himabout it.
so he came back after that to take it back.
but during the waiting period,alicia took picture of her carebear with it.
LOL.
then when he came back,took it,then gave a stick to saliyanti,then he went.
& AS USUAL,
alicia took picture of herself pretending to smoke it.
Zzz...

then we went to the foodcourt,
& me & alcia shared a plate of BBQ chicken rice.
then bought a cup of my favourite green tea ice-cream!!
shared with pig also.
then saliyanti & her stead go somewhere else,so me & pig went to the mrt station.
was talking while we were on the escalator but alicia's train came,so she went off first.

then in the train home,i saw Tristen & Zawoo~
after that,got off at clementi then walked home.
reached home,chatted,wished people & played maple.

did not attended church today morning.
later gonna get my haircut~
friday's gonna be super tiring,confirm will have homework.
just need more time to think about it,to rest also.

Dearguy:
sorry for whatever happened on 31/12/08
hope that you will be fine over it.

~ends~

` C.laudia S.L.Y.X
` 16;22nd July
` Green FREAK
` Lame,Crazy,Hyper & Fun around
` Friends before anything
` Panda's are loved

Dont judge me without knowing me